I'm dying.

My day started like any other day.
I woke up with the sun and went for my morning stroll around the neighborhood, I realized I was getting hungry so I decided to get something to eat.
I wanted something simple and fast so I headed towards the nearest food joint, it was just a few blocks away and had the best food in miles, it's like the chef knows exactly what I like.
I got myself some herring for breakfast with a few shrimps on the side.
As I was eating, suddenly I started to choke, something was in my food and is now stuck in my throat.
I tried to get it out but next thing I knew, something was thrown over my head. Somebody grabbed me and started dragging me away.
I started to panic and tried to get away but I was outnumbered.
I struggled, hit, shoved and pushed. Questions started racing through my mind "What's going on? What's happening to me?"
They put me on the ground in a place I've never seen before.
They grabbed me and held me down, stopping me from moving. one of them had a machete in his hand. I freaked out and tried even harder to get away, screaming at them to let me go, I tried anything I could to get free, but they were stronger than me. They held me down tight holding out my arm and quickly started cutting through it. I could feel the blade cutting through my skin, the pain was unbearable, yet I continued to fight. As I bled out, my energy began to fade. I felt weak.
They cut my arm completely off and tossed it on the floor behind them.
Without a thought, they instantly started on my other arm. I tried to struggle, I was scared and in excruciating pain, soon enough they tossed my arm to lie next to the first; I grew weaker by the minute.
The more I fought, the weaker I got.
So many thoughts in my mind "Why are they doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this? They are chopping me up alive and there's nothing I can do about it."
They grabbed my legs and continued adding to the pile made up of my limbs; Once they were done with me, they tossed me out in the middle of nowhere and left me to die.
Now, I lie here motionless, helpless, hopelessly bleeding out.
No one can help me now.
I'm dying.
I think of my chances, if I don't bleed to death, I'll either die of hunger or get eaten by something out here with no way to defend myself.
So, either way. I'm dead.
This kind of thing happens everyday to millions all around the world, but why?
Because I'm not human therefore, I don't matter.
I'm just a shark and they just want money.

On my way home.

I'm sitting in the passengers seat, my seat belt is on but the strap is under my arm, it makes me feel uncomfortable; my knee is hurting from multiple falls in the past so I try to adjust my legs to feel a little more comfort. It's a long 45 minute ride home, the music is on and I look out the window at the passing cars. I sit quietly thinking about my surroundings. Every car that passes, I think of the people in the car and wonder what their stories are; every car that we pass, I think of their day and how its been. Maybe that guy in the white SUV is having a really bad day at work and is on his way home to his wife and kids, he'll get home and dinner wont be ready yet but the wife is in the kitchen cooking and the kids are in the bedroom playing Xbox. There are two little boys playing some car racing game and making a lot of noise. but what about that red car? There's a man with his wife, they look young, I wonder where they're going? Maybe they are going to a restaurant to meet some friends; they look like they're in their late 20's, I wonder how they met. Maybe they met online, seen each other around different websites with the same interests and decided to talk and ended up falling in love. Sounds cliche but these days, that's how most people meet. Suddenly a speeding car catches my attention, it passes by with a roar. It's a small black sports car, I couldn't see who was driving but just for fun I imagine them as some older man going through some midlife crises so he bought himself a sports car and he races around town because it makes him feel alive. Can't imagine his wife would be happy about that. I realize my thoughts can sometimes have a pattern, they're more dramatic than a normal boring day of my own. I start to think about my usual day and it depresses me, everyday it's the same thing and never changes. I woke the same job, I have the same family and have the same problems that stop me from changing my life. I've always been the "low maintenance" type. Rarely ask for anything and have a whole lot of patience; sometimes so much that it becomes bad. I have a good strong grip on my feelings and emotions and am really good at dismissing the simplest bad thought or feeling and reacting rationally. So rationally that it slides into irrational. If something angers me, I'll be upset about it for a while n then let it go within minutes or even hours but rarely ever get angry about it. Only after years and years of constant repeating of problems will then cause an out burst. I can't seem to hold on to anger, I've tried, especially when I need to hold on to it but it rarely works and when it does, it creates a scene. An absolutely terrible scene. I hate drama and I hate making scenes, I also hate peoples attention on me so usually I just end up avoiding it and letting it go so I can be able to carry on without drama. Many people tell me it's not drama because when I do get that angry its for the right reason and I deserve to be angry but in the end I just end up letting it go and never getting what I need or deserve. I live my life pleasing everyone else in my life except for myself and I only please myself when it doesn't harm or even shake someone else. We stop to pick up some food, I reach in to my bag and bring out my wallet. I pass my brother money for our food and tell him what to order. I wonder what everyone else is doing around the world. I wonder how many people are diving in he seas and oceans at this exact moment. I wonder how many are driving their cars or riding bikes. I wonder how many kids are at school and how many are at home sick. I wonder how many people are in hospitals and how many are at funerals. I wonder how many people are hungry and how many are eating. I wonder how many are wondering the things I'm wondering. I wonder if people wonder this kind of stuff at all. I wonder if there are people like me who think of this kind of stuff all the time and think so much that I didn't even realize that my brother is back in the car with the food and we're almost home. I realize how much I've been thinking about everything and need to get my mind off of things so I take out my phone, unlock it and turn on a game. The rest of my ride home will be about that game, how to solve each puzzle and how to reach my next goal. I like games that challenge me. I also like games that distract me from the world around me. Keeps me focused but in another world. We're home.

I am afraid.

Fears. We all have them.
Some people identify by their fears while others let fear control their lives and let it disable them.

Me? I'm too stubborn for that. Maybe a bit too stubborn.
I've taught myself and made a rule of it, that if I find myself afraid of something, I need to force myself to get over it.

I used to be scared of roaches and spiders until I forced myself to pick them up and remove them from the premises without harming them.

Scared of heights? Ride roller-coasters and other rides with my hands up in the air and I'm not allowed to put them back down.

Maybe scared of the unknown underwater open sea? How about jumping off a pier into the sea about 30 feat away from the beach and swim/float my way back to shore.

I always put myself in such situations and force myself to overcome my fears however everyone HAS TO have something they're afraid of and after all I am human so I MUST have something I'm scared of, right?

It's been bothering me actually.. The fact that I'm not scared.
So, what I've been doing is trying to figure out what actually truly scares the pants off of me and terrifies me to bits.
Along the way I've also started looking into my dreams/nightmares.
You see, I have such weird and freaky nightmares and I've had them all my life since I can remember (maybe I'll tell you guys all about them some day) and well, I've been wondering what they mean. What sort of hidden message am I subconsciously sending to myself?
Reading into it plus observing myself carefully and taking note on things that bother me or ruffle my feathers so to speak and even things that freak me out and then I look into why I felt the way I did.

So, from all that I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of being powerless.

Completely and absolutely powerless.

The thought of going to the hospital and being sedated for whatever reason scares the crap out of me.
The thought of being in an emergency situation and not being able to do anything about it is absolutely horrifying.

I imagine myself as the character from the movie "Awake" and it's an absolute nightmare.

What brings all this to mind is cause I just finished reading an article about a woman that was rushed by her husband to the ER because of severe pain in her abdomen and all the doctors and nurses dismissed her pain and assumed she had kidney stones. She was powerless.

The article is about a different topic and is actually a serious issue which I think needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

So, here is the link to the article:
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/emergency-room-wait-times-sexism/410515/?utm_source=atlfb

I think, I'll just end this post here. That's about all I have to say for now so... bye.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, I feel hated by everyone; sometimes, I feel loved by the world.

Sometimes, I feel like nothing in my life is going right; sometimes, I feel like the luckiest and most blessed person ever.

Sometimes, I feel like if I wasn't around no one would care; sometimes, I feel like everyone depends on me and needs me.

Sometimes, I look around and think about how cruel and evil this world is; sometimes, I look around and see nothing but peace and beauty.

Sometimes, I look around and see the world as a huge mess; sometimes, I look around and see the world as a great masterpiece.

Sometimes, I sit and imagine all of the terrible things happening around the world at that exact moment; sometimes, I sit and imagine all the amazingly beautiful things happening around the world at that exact moment.

Sometimes, I think about and try to comprehend the mechanical workings of the human brain when doing absolutely horrible and messed up things; sometimes, I think about and try to comprehend the mechanical workings of the human body and the way we are able to do things like breath, walk and look around without thinking about it.

Sometimes, I sit and stare at the world with all of its imperfections; sometimes, I sit and stare at the world with all of its perfections.

Dark & Light. Yin & Yang. Wrong & Right. Creation & Creator.

It's easy to get caught up in this life where we are the protagonist of our own story and just forget about the small details of life and the world.
But sometimes, it's the small details that make the world what it is.
Sometimes, it's the most unappreciated and imperfect things in life that make us love and appreciate the good in it.

Sometimes, I think it could be fate, science, nature or even a higher power we like to call "God".
Or sometimes, I think it could be that I just think too much and that's just human nature.

Human nature... now that's a topic I might talk to you about sometime.

Thoughts and Opinions.

Over the years I've attempted over and over again to write in this blog. I wanted to use it as a means of motivation in bettering my writing skills. I've attempted to use it as a means of educating myself. I've even attempted to express myself but I've never tried just blankly writing down my thoughts. So here we..

A few days ago I found out that one of my heroes, someone I look up to, aspired and wished to be like has gone missing during right after a dive while filming his next movie/documentary.
His name is Rob Stewart. He is a biologist, diver, filmmaker, directer, writer, artist, conservationist, shark advocate and a hero.
He was lost in the ocean and they spent over 73 hours searching for him and when they finally found him, he was 220 ft. underwater.

In my opinion, I think he was truly loved by god. You see, I'm a Muslim and in Islam it is known that if someone drowns they die a shaheed (شهيد) which translates to a saint. This means anyone who dies in this manner goes directly to heaven without being judged. It is one of the most honorable deaths along with dying during prayer.

Rob (rest his soul), loved the ocean. He dedicated his life to raising awareness and teaching people about sharks and conservation.




He not only died a saint but he did so while doing what he loved. On a dive trip for filming a cute Sawfish for his next awareness film (Sharkwater 2: Extinction).

So now, I just feel sad. Sad for the rest of us humans that are left here on earth dealing with the consequences of our human manners and imperfections.
Dealing with the rising tides and melting arctic ice; Less and less forests and more and more murky undrinkable water; global warming and climate change; more carbon dioxide, killing corals which leads to less oxygen produced by corals; and even the possible extinction of Sharks, Elephants, Rhinos, Lions and more.

I feel sad for us because we can't seem to save ourselves from ourselves.
We need help but we can't expect to pass the test without studying hard and putting work into it.
No one will just give us the answers; and unless we realize that, no one will save us and we can't blame anyone but ourselves.

--

I guess I'll just end this with a quote:

"There is simply no issue more important. Conservation is the preservation of human life on earth, and that, above all else, is worth fighting for." - Rob Stewart

Fear.

There are three types of fear.

Rational fears, Irrational fears and traumatic fears.

Personally, I feel like it's just a state of mind. A lesson that we were taught at a young age.

Excluding traumatic fears from accidents and such.

To me, I believe it's a logical matter.

For example, many people fear fire. (Without ever previously having any severe burns of some sort)

I know fire burns and hurts, I don't get too close so I don't get burnt.

Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt because I know the pain will fade and its only a temporary matter, however I also know the pain and burns will take a lot of time and energy from me. Time and energy that I could use on something more important. So I stay away.

Another example, would be a fear of insects.

If the insect is venomous, I stay away or if I have to move it or touch it I make sure I use a cloth or something so I'm not physically in contact with it.

I rather avoid unnecessary things that might waste my time and energy.

However, if the insect is harmless then there's no reason at all for me to be afraid of it.

It can't hurt me, it can't kill me, it can't eat me, it can't do anything to me.

In fact, I'm the dangerous one.

I not only have the ability to kill that insect but I have that insects life in the mercy of my own hands.

In this case I rather not harm it as it hasn't hurt me so there's no reason for me to "defend myself" so I'd rather leave it be.

So we shall conclude this by quoting myself.. This is just something I like to say often..

"Fear doesn't exist; we were all born brave but then taught to be afraid. Fear is just our imagination playing its best game, don't let it win." - Sara Grace

Precious.

It all started 15 years ago, when I'd come home from school and find her sitting there by the door waiting for me.
As I'd walk through the door, she'd start meowing and following me around the house. I'd put my stuff down and sit on the floor to play with her.
When I'd play my video games she'd sit next to me and watch me play. Her favorite game was Need for Speed.

I loved how her head would turn with every turn I'd make and every car that would pass by. She was so into it.

I always loved to annoy her by holding her tail, squishing her face, playing with her ears or poking her. She used to ignore me for a while then turn to me and pounce.

Day after day, year after year, we had pretty much the same routine except as she got older her playfulness faded.
When I'd come home from work, instead of sitting on the floor to play with her I'd just sit on the floor and pet her. She loved to climb on to my lap and just lay there.
She slowly lost interest in my video games so I lost interest in playing Need for Speed.
I continued to annoy her and she got used to it. She didn't care when I poked her or played with her ears anymore. I eventually started pinning her down and she would just lay there waiting for me to get bored of annoying her, when I'd stop she'd just lay there in the same position then just roll over and ignore me again.
She'd still follow me around the house and wait for me everyday by the door until I'd come home.
At some point I had to stop letting her sleep in my room so she started waiting for me outside my bedroom until I came out.
Many times just to spend time with her I'd sit with her on the kitchen floor and pet her.

When I found the tumor on her, I panicked. As it grew, my heart broke and my mood changed more and more everyday.

The sicker she got, the more I detached my heart. I was trying my best not to acknowledge that she was in fact dying.

She stopped eating and had to be force fed. Barely drinking any water.

After a while, she stopped moving around and just laid in her bed for days with her water by her side.

On Thursday night "January 15th, 2015" I got home at 11 pm and the first thing I did was check on her.

She was just laying in her bed, motionless. She was gone. I took off my bag and put all my things down and went back to her.

I told myself "Thank god she is no longer in pain", I told myself "Thank god she is finally at piece", I knew this day was coming, I expected it.

I sat next to her bed and attempted to pick her up and move her body. I couldn't.

Her body was so lifeless. So weak. So agile. I was afraid I was going to hurt her. I told myself this isn't her. This is just an empty body and that she can't feel any pain anymore.

I picked her up and placed her body in a plastic bag and before I knew it the tears came pouring down.

I wrapped her body up so we can bury it then I held her body and just cried. I tried so hard to keep it together but I just couldn't.

I passed her to my mom and walked away with endless tears pouring down my cheeks.

That night, i kept crying on n off through tthe night. I finally fell asleep at 3 am. Woke up at 8 am to use the bathroom. Walked passed her bed and started crying again then cried myself back to sleep. Woke up late for work, I rushed off on a friday morning.

Every time I was left alone, I'd start crying. Remembering the feeling of holding her. The way her body was so lifeless.

I just want to hold her one last time and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her and miss her.

I just want to tell her how sorry I am for not being by her side for her last breath. I should have been there the way she was always there for me.

I love her with every part of my heart and every bit of my soul.

She wasn't just a cat. She was my family. She was my best friend. She was my precious.

People say that it's the cat that chooses the human not the human that chooses the cat. She may have been my moms cat but I was her human.

I'm so sorry Precious. It pained me to see you in such bad shape. I'm sorry I was so selfish and pulled away when you needed me most. I should have been there. I'm sorry. I love you.