Precious.

It all started 15 years ago, when I'd come home from school and find her sitting there by the door waiting for me.
As I'd walk through the door, she'd start meowing and following me around the house. I'd put my stuff down and sit on the floor to play with her.
When I'd play my video games she'd sit next to me and watch me play. Her favorite game was Need for Speed.

I loved how her head would turn with every turn I'd make and every car that would pass by. She was so into it.

I always loved to annoy her by holding her tail, squishing her face, playing with her ears or poking her. She used to ignore me for a while then turn to me and pounce.

Day after day, year after year, we had pretty much the same routine except as she got older her playfulness faded.
When I'd come home from work, instead of sitting on the floor to play with her I'd just sit on the floor and pet her. She loved to climb on to my lap and just lay there.
She slowly lost interest in my video games so I lost interest in playing Need for Speed.
I continued to annoy her and she got used to it. She didn't care when I poked her or played with her ears anymore. I eventually started pinning her down and she would just lay there waiting for me to get bored of annoying her, when I'd stop she'd just lay there in the same position then just roll over and ignore me again.
She'd still follow me around the house and wait for me everyday by the door until I'd come home.
At some point I had to stop letting her sleep in my room so she started waiting for me outside my bedroom until I came out.
Many times just to spend time with her I'd sit with her on the kitchen floor and pet her.

When I found the tumor on her, I panicked. As it grew, my heart broke and my mood changed more and more everyday.

The sicker she got, the more I detached my heart. I was trying my best not to acknowledge that she was in fact dying.

She stopped eating and had to be force fed. Barely drinking any water.

After a while, she stopped moving around and just laid in her bed for days with her water by her side.

On Thursday night "January 15th, 2015" I got home at 11 pm and the first thing I did was check on her.

She was just laying in her bed, motionless. She was gone. I took off my bag and put all my things down and went back to her.

I told myself "Thank god she is no longer in pain", I told myself "Thank god she is finally at piece", I knew this day was coming, I expected it.

I sat next to her bed and attempted to pick her up and move her body. I couldn't.

Her body was so lifeless. So weak. So agile. I was afraid I was going to hurt her. I told myself this isn't her. This is just an empty body and that she can't feel any pain anymore.

I picked her up and placed her body in a plastic bag and before I knew it the tears came pouring down.

I wrapped her body up so we can bury it then I held her body and just cried. I tried so hard to keep it together but I just couldn't.

I passed her to my mom and walked away with endless tears pouring down my cheeks.

That night, i kept crying on n off through tthe night. I finally fell asleep at 3 am. Woke up at 8 am to use the bathroom. Walked passed her bed and started crying again then cried myself back to sleep. Woke up late for work, I rushed off on a friday morning.

Every time I was left alone, I'd start crying. Remembering the feeling of holding her. The way her body was so lifeless.

I just want to hold her one last time and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her and miss her.

I just want to tell her how sorry I am for not being by her side for her last breath. I should have been there the way she was always there for me.

I love her with every part of my heart and every bit of my soul.

She wasn't just a cat. She was my family. She was my best friend. She was my precious.

People say that it's the cat that chooses the human not the human that chooses the cat. She may have been my moms cat but I was her human.

I'm so sorry Precious. It pained me to see you in such bad shape. I'm sorry I was so selfish and pulled away when you needed me most. I should have been there. I'm sorry. I love you.