I am afraid.

Fears. We all have them.
Some people identify by their fears while others let fear control their lives and let it disable them.

Me? I'm too stubborn for that. Maybe a bit too stubborn.
I've taught myself and made a rule of it, that if I find myself afraid of something, I need to force myself to get over it.

I used to be scared of roaches and spiders until I forced myself to pick them up and remove them from the premises without harming them.

Scared of heights? Ride roller-coasters and other rides with my hands up in the air and I'm not allowed to put them back down.

Maybe scared of the unknown underwater open sea? How about jumping off a pier into the sea about 30 feat away from the beach and swim/float my way back to shore.

I always put myself in such situations and force myself to overcome my fears however everyone HAS TO have something they're afraid of and after all I am human so I MUST have something I'm scared of, right?

It's been bothering me actually.. The fact that I'm not scared.
So, what I've been doing is trying to figure out what actually truly scares the pants off of me and terrifies me to bits.
Along the way I've also started looking into my dreams/nightmares.
You see, I have such weird and freaky nightmares and I've had them all my life since I can remember (maybe I'll tell you guys all about them some day) and well, I've been wondering what they mean. What sort of hidden message am I subconsciously sending to myself?
Reading into it plus observing myself carefully and taking note on things that bother me or ruffle my feathers so to speak and even things that freak me out and then I look into why I felt the way I did.

So, from all that I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of being powerless.

Completely and absolutely powerless.

The thought of going to the hospital and being sedated for whatever reason scares the crap out of me.
The thought of being in an emergency situation and not being able to do anything about it is absolutely horrifying.

I imagine myself as the character from the movie "Awake" and it's an absolute nightmare.

What brings all this to mind is cause I just finished reading an article about a woman that was rushed by her husband to the ER because of severe pain in her abdomen and all the doctors and nurses dismissed her pain and assumed she had kidney stones. She was powerless.

The article is about a different topic and is actually a serious issue which I think needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

So, here is the link to the article:
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/emergency-room-wait-times-sexism/410515/?utm_source=atlfb

I think, I'll just end this post here. That's about all I have to say for now so... bye.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, I feel hated by everyone; sometimes, I feel loved by the world.

Sometimes, I feel like nothing in my life is going right; sometimes, I feel like the luckiest and most blessed person ever.

Sometimes, I feel like if I wasn't around no one would care; sometimes, I feel like everyone depends on me and needs me.

Sometimes, I look around and think about how cruel and evil this world is; sometimes, I look around and see nothing but peace and beauty.

Sometimes, I look around and see the world as a huge mess; sometimes, I look around and see the world as a great masterpiece.

Sometimes, I sit and imagine all of the terrible things happening around the world at that exact moment; sometimes, I sit and imagine all the amazingly beautiful things happening around the world at that exact moment.

Sometimes, I think about and try to comprehend the mechanical workings of the human brain when doing absolutely horrible and messed up things; sometimes, I think about and try to comprehend the mechanical workings of the human body and the way we are able to do things like breath, walk and look around without thinking about it.

Sometimes, I sit and stare at the world with all of its imperfections; sometimes, I sit and stare at the world with all of its perfections.

Dark & Light. Yin & Yang. Wrong & Right. Creation & Creator.

It's easy to get caught up in this life where we are the protagonist of our own story and just forget about the small details of life and the world.
But sometimes, it's the small details that make the world what it is.
Sometimes, it's the most unappreciated and imperfect things in life that make us love and appreciate the good in it.

Sometimes, I think it could be fate, science, nature or even a higher power we like to call "God".
Or sometimes, I think it could be that I just think too much and that's just human nature.

Human nature... now that's a topic I might talk to you about sometime.

Thoughts and Opinions.

Over the years I've attempted over and over again to write in this blog. I wanted to use it as a means of motivation in bettering my writing skills. I've attempted to use it as a means of educating myself. I've even attempted to express myself but I've never tried just blankly writing down my thoughts. So here we..

A few days ago I found out that one of my heroes, someone I look up to, aspired and wished to be like has gone missing during right after a dive while filming his next movie/documentary.
His name is Rob Stewart. He is a biologist, diver, filmmaker, directer, writer, artist, conservationist, shark advocate and a hero.
He was lost in the ocean and they spent over 73 hours searching for him and when they finally found him, he was 220 ft. underwater.

In my opinion, I think he was truly loved by god. You see, I'm a Muslim and in Islam it is known that if someone drowns they die a shaheed (شهيد) which translates to a saint. This means anyone who dies in this manner goes directly to heaven without being judged. It is one of the most honorable deaths along with dying during prayer.

Rob (rest his soul), loved the ocean. He dedicated his life to raising awareness and teaching people about sharks and conservation.




He not only died a saint but he did so while doing what he loved. On a dive trip for filming a cute Sawfish for his next awareness film (Sharkwater 2: Extinction).

So now, I just feel sad. Sad for the rest of us humans that are left here on earth dealing with the consequences of our human manners and imperfections.
Dealing with the rising tides and melting arctic ice; Less and less forests and more and more murky undrinkable water; global warming and climate change; more carbon dioxide, killing corals which leads to less oxygen produced by corals; and even the possible extinction of Sharks, Elephants, Rhinos, Lions and more.

I feel sad for us because we can't seem to save ourselves from ourselves.
We need help but we can't expect to pass the test without studying hard and putting work into it.
No one will just give us the answers; and unless we realize that, no one will save us and we can't blame anyone but ourselves.

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I guess I'll just end this with a quote:

"There is simply no issue more important. Conservation is the preservation of human life on earth, and that, above all else, is worth fighting for." - Rob Stewart